A "leap" of faith

Over spring break, I was at a bar in Philadelphia, near the University of Pennsylvania campus, standing with four people – two of my friends and two people whom I had met about 10 minutes earlier. Upon finding out I was a journalism major, one of them asked if I kept a blog. I told him I did, and we exchanged URLs. Once we all got our strawberry margaritas, we started talking about the presidential election.

“Who do you like, Hillary or Obama?” my fellow blogger asked.

Everyone, including him, said Obama. Then it came around to me.

“I don’t know,” I began, and then explained how conflicted I was about the two Democratic candidates, about how I felt when I was filling out my absentee ballot prior to Super Tuesday.

I went on until I was interrupted by the guy who got me going in the first place. He cut across the circle, nearly putting his finger in my face.

“Did you blog about this?”

“No,” I responded, cocking my head and falling silent.

Well, now is my chance, so here it goes.

***

When I was sitting at the bar in my kitchen, the long ballot spread on the cold faux marble, I stared for at least 20 minutes at the empty bubbles next to the names “Hillary Rodham Clinton” and “Barack Obama.” I knew I would have unwavering support for either candidate in the general election; this was just a battle between what I wanted and what I thought the country wanted – and needed.

In February, I had, more or less, the same debate I have with myself now as the fight barrels on toward Pennsylvania.

It’s just my vindictive, angry and jaded self talking, but I really would like to see Hillary as the Democratic nominee. I think she is the candidate with the most solid policies and the most determination to get them into practice.
Plus, Republicans really hate her.

So when I think about Hillary’s winning the nomination, I’m vengefully happy because if she can win the presidency, I cannot wait to stick it to the GOP.

I imagine myself getting the same rush as when I’m honking my car’s horn and displaying my middle finger to someone who had cut me off on the freeway. It’s not exactly a flattering picture.

But that is the climax of the story. Before I can get to that feeling, Hillary has to win the White House, and thinking about her path there makes me nervous.

I’m scared that with the help of the superdelegates she will disenfranchise too many Democratic voters by stealing the primary. I’m scared that so many of the people who stood in record-length lines at Democratic primaries will simply stay home in November. I’m scared McCain will get away with nearly all the independents.

Looking at my ballot back in February, I really felt Obama had a better chance at winning in November, and I feel even more so now that Democrats will be running against McCain.

But I’m much too jaded to buy into all this talk about uniting the country and bipartisan approaches to this country’s problems.

I may be a lost cause, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe Obama’s rhetoric can have a profound effect on many others. He would bring a much-needed aura to the presidency; his inspiration can get people involved, can get people to care.

So when I think about Obama’s winning the nomination, I’m happy because I think if he can win the presidency our country is really turning a new leaf, even if I am in the corner stomping my foot and sulking because I think Republicans got off easy.
But, again, I am nervous.

To me, having Obama as the Democratic nominee is like buying a really good fake Louis Vuitton bag from a street vendor in New York – it looks great and attracts a lot of attention, but it might fall apart faster than the real thing.

Hillary’s road to the presidency is visibly rocky, while it appears Obama could coast along nearly without a bump in sight.

I will admit he does have a way about him that lets slip-ups or potential disasters roll off his back. But I can’t help but feel at least some weaknesses are hidden, and I’m scared of what I don’t know about him. Hard as I try, I cannot shake the feeling that he could be flimsy, that he could be crushed under the Republican attack machine.

Maybe I have bought in too much to the Clintons’ dirty games, but I can’t help but think Obama is a question mark, a gamble. And I am not one who tends to take a risk just on faith – especially when Karl Rove has a fresh chance to label the personality that built that faith as out of touch and elitist.

***

Back in February, I took a pencil and marked the bubble next to Hillary’s name. After I licked the envelope, I laid it on my desk, ready to be notarized and sent to the battleground state of Missouri.

But, as I looked at it sitting there, I felt that sending it off would have been a betrayal of everyone who, unlike me, could put their bitterness aside and dare to believe in change.

My ballot is still sitting on my desk – a reminder of the closest I could come to a leap of faith.